I've been quite bitter these last few days. I am feeling a huge disconnect between some people I thought I had such deep connections with. It leaves me feeling angry, like never speaking to them again.
It really feels like I don't fit in anywhere. I had planned on making some good friends at college, yet that didn't happen. No, even though I was always cheerful, helped others with their homework, and even drove some of them to school and offered them rides every day, let them borrow my text books (which they didn't even return...) No true friendships remained. I see them all posting pictures of themselves on Facebook hanging out now that we've all graduated, and I wonder why I'm not invited... why I never got that close to them (even though I actually thought I was). Why don't they consider me a friend?
It seems whenever I do reach out to others to make plans, they all have made plans with one another. Sure they invite me when I ask, but I have to wonder why I wasn't initially invited.
My "best friend", of which I am feeling I should honestly revoke that title; is much closer with other people than she is with me. I feel so much resentment because again, I went out of my way for this person over and over just to show them how much I care - to prove that I am doing my best to be a good friend. Actually, I really do it because I want to make her life easier. I want to make her life better. I want a good friend in return. Yet I see her doing these things for other people - going out of her way... making them cakes and babysitting their children, being there for them when their boyfriend's aren't... I see her being a good friend to others. But I haven't seen her do much for me in that sense. I honestly just feel like a last resort. And the one time I tried to tell her that, she flipped the script and made it seem like I was a terrible person for making her feel like a bad friend... she victimized herself - as we females tend to do - and I had to end up being the one to apologize. No problems were resolved... I still felt like I was being walked all over. It's such a shame when people are too defensive to see the truth.
But personally, I'm sick of kissing ass in hopes for a friendship. I'm tired of going out of my way for people, and watching them live their lives as if I'm not even existent... I mean, how can I honestly say I have a single "good friend" if no one even knows how depressed I am? How much I fantasize about my life ending? Surely, if I had a "good friend", they would know this about me, they would be able to help me.
At the end of the day; I don't think I really do have any friends at all, let alone good ones...
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