What Is A Friend?

I've been quite bitter these last few days. I am feeling a huge disconnect between some people I thought I had such deep connections with. It leaves me feeling angry, like never speaking to them again.

It really feels like I don't fit in anywhere. I had planned on making some good friends at college, yet that didn't happen. No, even though I was always cheerful, helped others with their homework, and even drove some of them to school and offered them rides every day, let them borrow my text books (which they didn't even return...) No true friendships remained. I see them all posting pictures of themselves on Facebook hanging out now that we've all graduated, and I wonder why I'm not invited... why I never got that close to them (even though I actually thought I was). Why don't they consider me a friend?

It seems whenever I do reach out to others to make plans, they all have made plans with one another. Sure they invite me when I ask, but I have to wonder why I wasn't initially invited.

My "best friend", of which I am feeling I should honestly revoke that title; is much closer with other people than she is with me. I feel so much resentment because again, I went out of my way for this person over and over just to show them how much I care - to prove that I am doing my best to be a good friend. Actually, I really do it because I want to make her life easier. I want to make her life better. I want a good friend in return. Yet I see her doing these things for other people - going out of her way... making them cakes and babysitting their children, being there for them when their boyfriend's aren't... I see her being a good friend to others. But I haven't seen her do much for me in that sense. I honestly just feel like a last resort. And the one time I tried to tell her that, she flipped the script and made it seem like I was a terrible person for making her feel like a bad friend... she victimized herself - as we females tend to do - and I had to end up being the one to apologize. No problems were resolved... I still felt like I was being walked all over. It's such a shame when people are too defensive to see the truth.

But personally, I'm sick of kissing ass in hopes for a friendship. I'm tired of going out of my way for people, and watching them live their lives as if I'm not even existent... I mean, how can I honestly say I have a single "good friend" if no one even knows how depressed I am? How much I fantasize about my life ending? Surely, if I had a "good friend", they would know this about me, they would be able to help me.

At the end of the day; I don't think I really do have any friends at all, let alone good ones...

I Have A Lot To Say

I am creating this blog as an outlet. I'm relatively apprehensive about it, actually. But right now, on this Sunday evening... 10PM as I sit with quivering legs and a face wet from tears; I really need a way to vent. I have never EVER been very good at talking. Writing (or these days, typing) has always been my strong suit. I don't know why, but my thoughts truly flow more smoothly when I'm simply typing them out. This post will likely be a long one, as I haven't organised my thoughts or planned this out at all. My apprehension stems from the fact that I feel as though social media has taken over my life. It feels like the main reason I want to do ANYTHING, is simply so that I can say I did it. And for that reason, I will only do something if I truly believe that I CAN do it, that I can do it WELL, and that I can LOOK GOOD while I do it. Deep down inside, I know these aren't the right reasons to want to "do" anything. I should do things simply because I WANT to DO them! Not because I want to portray some type of image... It's just so superficial. With that being said, the reason I am starting this blog is truly so that I can show the world what I'm doing... in this case (hopefully) improving on myself and my life. And it's silly because that's something I should want to just DO, and not care about who sees it, who doesn't see it, who cares? I suppose at the end of the day I don't care about myself too much. I care more about the people that surround me, and how they see me. How I effect their lives, and what enters their mind when I am mentioned. But every other moment, when I am irrelevant... that's exactly what I am.

It's crazy how I'm typing this, and shortly how I will post this, and anyone in the world will be able to read it. Oh how the internet and social media has given us such a silly feeling of entitlement and self worth. We all think we're so important, don't we?

I'm very discouraged right now, disappointed... not happy with myself. Well really, extremely fed up with myself to be honest. I hate to admit it as it shows how weak I am, but I cry six days a week. Usually before bed, when the sun goes down. When I know the day has come to an end, and I haven't changed anything. I get anxiety, often panic attacks plague me. The room I am in becomes a dungeon and I want out. But the sun has gone down, and every one is laying their heads down to sleep and I am alone. I feel utterly alone. The walls seem to be smothering me, the room feels so small. I want to get out, but where can I go? It feels like there's no where I WANT to go... There is no where I WANT to be... which leads me to believe I want to be no where, and I know what that means... I don't want to be... anymore.

No matter what I do, I always end up back in this rut, back to feeling like this. It gets very discouraging. I don't know if it's just me, or what... but hopefully in expressing myself through writing, I can figure it out...