Lady Loco

Ok - this post is not going to be nice. But I need to get this crap off my chest, man. Even if it makes me look like a crazy bitch.

Now I've had best friends do me pretty dirty in the past. From suddenly hating me for NO REASON right down to fucking my boyfriend. And I'll admit that there are worse things you could have done to hurt me, piss me off, or end our friendship. I know that and I admit that. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm fucking pissed, and that our friendship can not continue.

You say me ignoring you and deleting you from my life is a shitty way to end a friendship? Bitch, YOU ENDED IT. Consider my silence a fucking virtue because you really REALLY do not want to hear the words I have for you.

You made me feel excluded and left out from everything. I did my best to communicate that to you months ago... I FULLY told you that when you hung out with Sam & Jordan, but never invited me, it made me feel excluded and sad. I guess you weren't listening. More likely: You didn't care. Once we all started hanging out, shit was cool. I mean, aside from the fact that your obvious admiration for Sam clearly outshone any feelings you had for me. Here's my theory: In high school you were a nerd. You were a loser. You were a tomboy. You came from a family with no money. I believe Sam signifies all the pretty, rich, girly bitches you wished you were. And now that you're finally friends with someone like that who fully accepts you and likes you, you have your head so far up her ass you can't see me standing on the sidelines, waving my hands, trying to tell you how much I care about you. LOL! The time I told you I was hungry, and then Larissa came downstairs and said she was hungry and you offered her your sushi. Where the fuck's my sushi, bitch?? You kiss ass punk. I tried SO fucking hard to be friends with you guys, and feel like I was a part of the group... but I never fucking did.

I did so much fucking shit for you... I tried to introduce you to new people and facilitate you making new friends so that you could come out of the slump your crappy ex-fiance left you in. I constantly had your best interest in mind... And you turn around and make ME feel excluded? What the fuck kind of shit is that? You did so many things to piss me off and I just looked the other way. When I finally tried to talk to you about these things, you freaked out on me and said I was TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD. That I made you cry... buck up bitch, are you fucking serious?

I'm not even going to get into all the shit you did to hurt me before; the shit I actually told you about so that you could apologize for it and mend my hurt feelings... When we sat down to talk that day at Second Cup, not a single fucking apology came out of your stupid ass mouth. Do you know how much angrier that made me? Yet again, I decided to look the other way because I didn't want to lose you as a friend. But what the fuck difference does it make if I lose you now? You have continued to be a shitty friend, doing all the shit that I told you hurt me... including taking down the picture of US from your profile and replacing it with a couple of girls that you know dislike me and are the soul reason why our friendship ended. I told you I felt that was malicious the first time we were having our disagreement, and your punk ass goes and does it again?
I am NOT down with that subliminal, mind game bullshit, bitch. You want to try and stick it to me that way? Go ahead.

You were supposed to be my best friend, my BEST FUCKING FRIEND. Why did you feel the need to exclude me from so much of your life? You can go fuck yourself and all the friends that you wouldn't even HAVE now if I didn't introduce you to them. You're one of the most selfish, unappreciative people I ever associated myself with. You're far too defensive to realize your wrong doings and it fucking kills me. I'm sick of it and I'm fucking sick of you. I'm done with you.

AND YOUR CAKES SUCK.

BITCH.

What Is A Friend?

I've been quite bitter these last few days. I am feeling a huge disconnect between some people I thought I had such deep connections with. It leaves me feeling angry, like never speaking to them again.

It really feels like I don't fit in anywhere. I had planned on making some good friends at college, yet that didn't happen. No, even though I was always cheerful, helped others with their homework, and even drove some of them to school and offered them rides every day, let them borrow my text books (which they didn't even return...) No true friendships remained. I see them all posting pictures of themselves on Facebook hanging out now that we've all graduated, and I wonder why I'm not invited... why I never got that close to them (even though I actually thought I was). Why don't they consider me a friend?

It seems whenever I do reach out to others to make plans, they all have made plans with one another. Sure they invite me when I ask, but I have to wonder why I wasn't initially invited.

My "best friend", of which I am feeling I should honestly revoke that title; is much closer with other people than she is with me. I feel so much resentment because again, I went out of my way for this person over and over just to show them how much I care - to prove that I am doing my best to be a good friend. Actually, I really do it because I want to make her life easier. I want to make her life better. I want a good friend in return. Yet I see her doing these things for other people - going out of her way... making them cakes and babysitting their children, being there for them when their boyfriend's aren't... I see her being a good friend to others. But I haven't seen her do much for me in that sense. I honestly just feel like a last resort. And the one time I tried to tell her that, she flipped the script and made it seem like I was a terrible person for making her feel like a bad friend... she victimized herself - as we females tend to do - and I had to end up being the one to apologize. No problems were resolved... I still felt like I was being walked all over. It's such a shame when people are too defensive to see the truth.

But personally, I'm sick of kissing ass in hopes for a friendship. I'm tired of going out of my way for people, and watching them live their lives as if I'm not even existent... I mean, how can I honestly say I have a single "good friend" if no one even knows how depressed I am? How much I fantasize about my life ending? Surely, if I had a "good friend", they would know this about me, they would be able to help me.

At the end of the day; I don't think I really do have any friends at all, let alone good ones...

I Have A Lot To Say

I am creating this blog as an outlet. I'm relatively apprehensive about it, actually. But right now, on this Sunday evening... 10PM as I sit with quivering legs and a face wet from tears; I really need a way to vent. I have never EVER been very good at talking. Writing (or these days, typing) has always been my strong suit. I don't know why, but my thoughts truly flow more smoothly when I'm simply typing them out. This post will likely be a long one, as I haven't organised my thoughts or planned this out at all. My apprehension stems from the fact that I feel as though social media has taken over my life. It feels like the main reason I want to do ANYTHING, is simply so that I can say I did it. And for that reason, I will only do something if I truly believe that I CAN do it, that I can do it WELL, and that I can LOOK GOOD while I do it. Deep down inside, I know these aren't the right reasons to want to "do" anything. I should do things simply because I WANT to DO them! Not because I want to portray some type of image... It's just so superficial. With that being said, the reason I am starting this blog is truly so that I can show the world what I'm doing... in this case (hopefully) improving on myself and my life. And it's silly because that's something I should want to just DO, and not care about who sees it, who doesn't see it, who cares? I suppose at the end of the day I don't care about myself too much. I care more about the people that surround me, and how they see me. How I effect their lives, and what enters their mind when I am mentioned. But every other moment, when I am irrelevant... that's exactly what I am.

It's crazy how I'm typing this, and shortly how I will post this, and anyone in the world will be able to read it. Oh how the internet and social media has given us such a silly feeling of entitlement and self worth. We all think we're so important, don't we?

I'm very discouraged right now, disappointed... not happy with myself. Well really, extremely fed up with myself to be honest. I hate to admit it as it shows how weak I am, but I cry six days a week. Usually before bed, when the sun goes down. When I know the day has come to an end, and I haven't changed anything. I get anxiety, often panic attacks plague me. The room I am in becomes a dungeon and I want out. But the sun has gone down, and every one is laying their heads down to sleep and I am alone. I feel utterly alone. The walls seem to be smothering me, the room feels so small. I want to get out, but where can I go? It feels like there's no where I WANT to go... There is no where I WANT to be... which leads me to believe I want to be no where, and I know what that means... I don't want to be... anymore.

No matter what I do, I always end up back in this rut, back to feeling like this. It gets very discouraging. I don't know if it's just me, or what... but hopefully in expressing myself through writing, I can figure it out...